I read so many things even now about how the first few weeks/months after you have a baby are just this fuzz of sleep deprivation, feeding and just general brain fog. I can genuinely say that the start of my life as a mother couldn’t be further removed from this…

Going home with a new baby is one of the most daunting things I think anyone ever faces . For us however, it felt like we had so many other hurdles to overcome I don’t really remember overly worrying about coping with my little bundle. Even at the point of discharge my kidneys were still pretty knackered, I had a massive abdominal wound that was trying to heal, my heart was functioning better but a long way from ‘normal’ – and that’s before you get onto any of the direct childbirth related injuries that I had sustained… to be brutally honest, I felt like I had been to war and I don’t think I have ever felt so fragile in my whole life. I was already so proud of how far we had come in such a short time period as a family, and we hadn’t even made it home yet… but what on earth we would do now we were down an entire team of medical professionals?

One of the reasons for writing these posts was to try and help anyone else that might find themselves in any kind of remotely similar situation – so in the interest of perfect honesty my physical capabilities were no where near being able to look after a baby – so if you are there currently, or have been there, be kind on yourself – you’re a superstar for just getting to this point!

I had got to the point where I could hold her, feed her and burp her, with some alternative techniques, but picking her up, carrying or moving anywhere with her, standing to change her nappy was along way off. It was frustrating, gut wrenchingly upsetting but ultimately we were on a path as a team. I won’t lie, it definitely wasn’t the start to family life I had ‘planned’ in my head, but all that help – the food parcels from friends, parents that you might wish didn’t have to be there, but are doing the most incredible job in the world, the friends that keep the dog for those extra weeks, the flowers and balloons that make you smile, the cakes people have made to show you just how much they care, the middle of the night WhatsApp check in’s from different continents – are just incredible. You very quickly realise who’s truly in your inner circle, and these people will never realise the impact these gestures truly had.

But bit by bit though, we started to make some headway. I started to get up in the night with my parents – at first literally just getting out of bed and sitting with them whilst they made the milk, changed the nappies, did the feeding etc. but gradually our roles reversed until one night I thought, ‘I might actually be able to do this’. I was so elated and beyond proud of myself that felt like I had climbed the biggest mountain of my life to eventually be able to do something for my precious little girl all on my own. My parents swiftly departed at this point – I very vividly remember their departing comment of ‘There’s a real reason people don’t do this in their 60’s!” and I’m fairly confident they went home and slept for about a week. But I honestly think this ‘half-way house’ we created had an immeasurable impact on my physical recovery, but also our recovery as a family. It was such a fine balance between prioritising my recovery with the needs of the most vulnerable little being on earth. I am acutely aware of how immensely fortunate I am to have such an incredible support network, but I would urge anyone in any situation – don’t be a hero!! It won’t get you anywhere in the long term, and your long term relationship with your little miracle is well worth sucking up some of your pride in the short term!

Once we emerged into this new ‘normal’ world of parenting. My husband had one week of paternity leave left, and I was adamant we were going to do as many amazing family things as possible. We went for some lovely trips out and just made the most of the time we had together as a family just doing completely normal things. And there was something absolutely magical about it, ‘normal’ really had never felt so good. I will always fondly remember that week and the really lovely memories we made.

So as the end of paternity leave loomed, and the point of be being in charge on my own was fast approaching, we decided on another ‘phased approach’. We gradually built it up so that I got to the point where I could man-handle the pram out of the front door and take both my human and canine child for a wander on my own. As far as memorable and awe inspired days go, I will remember the first day I managed to take them both for a walk in the sunshine together forever. The feeling was so overwhelming – the warm sunshine, a little baby snoozing away in her pram, that spaniel tail wagging away on the paths I had dreamt about walking down since I had been lying in hospital. I don’t want to ever forget that feeling – something that just a few weeks if not days ago, had felt so incredibly unachievable. I felt invincible and for the first time, the feeling that everything might just actually be OK. So I think this was the start of my actual ‘putting yourself back together’ journey – with the moto of (where possible) GET YOURSELF OUTSIDE!

So as much as I would love to have been in the ’45-minutes-of-sleep’ club, my story is different and I am immensely proud of it!